Empty Entirety
by colorfulCheshire
Summary: To be complete but somebody else is worse than not existing at all. When you still have that bit of awareness, all you know is fault and failure. Is there no end? - Roxas drabble, small intro to another KH fic I'm writing.


**Written for Roxas. I was feeling particularly sad for him and all the shit he was put through. Square might not have been able to get away with the deaths of characters other than Nobodies (and they just kind of faded . . . other than Vexen, don't know how they got **_**that**_** past the Disney radar), but they did put a lot of emotional trauma in there. Terra and Ventus/Roxas, I wouldn't wish their fate on anyone. It was torture, truly.**

**I digress. This fic was also written as some kind of prologue to ****Diary of Number 0****. It's only got one chapter up, but it's more for my own entertainment. If I get reviews or any interest what-so-ever (fic was completely ignored) I will continue. It's got Axel-ly goodness. *hint hint,nudge nudge***

**Disclaimer: Does not own. Hopefully Disney won't get butt-hurt and try to sue me like they do everyone freagin else.**

**Please enjoy~**

Empty Entirety

Hungry, clawing, terrifying - the dark feeling had always been with him. Ironically, the painful longing cried the loudest when he no longer knew that he was nothing. It shouldn't have been, though. Without knowledge of his "true nature", Roxas held an illusion of completeness, of being real, of being himself. So why, he wondered in those simulated days, did he feel so hollow?

In the morning, he had found, it hit the worst. He always mused that the time for the rising sun was aptly named, as his entire body seemed to be in mourning for something he couldn't understand. The feeling clung to his body like a tangible and heavy shadow, weighing him to his bed until his mother would stomp up the stairs, phone in hand with a voice blaring out the speaker, to tell him Hayner wanted to talk. But as the woman (_'pixalized bitch,' _he later reminisced) handed him the phone, the sun would have already found its place in the sky, killing the sun rise and along with it the phantoms of longing and of faces not quite forgotten. As he would talk with his best friend (though Roxas didn't quite know what to call any of them anymore), all of his previous worries would be swept away to make room for the day's activities.

The four friends found many ways to entertain themselves over the two months Roxas was there (or that any of it was there). Seifer always seemed to find ways to provoke Hayner into trivial competitions. They would win some and lose some, but even when Hayner looked ready to blow his top, it had always been fun.

Quite often there were days where there was nothing to do but loaf around and eat ice cream. He liked those days the best, along with their afternoon picnics on the clock tower. They made something stir inside of him. He would close his eyes and feel the warmth of the red-sunset as he reveled in the salty sweetness of the cold treat. There would be these moments were the world would shift around him, and he felt that if he opened his eyes, he's find something different. Faintly, he would remember a warm touch and a glimmer of aqua-marine, but when he opened his eyes to look, it would be his same old friends, or at least the friends programmed for him.

That was the most horrible of it all, he had eventually decided. Not only had he lost an entire life, but he couldn't even have a real new one. He couldn't even keep a fake new one. It was unbearably cruel, what others put him through. It made him feel alone, unimportant, and incredibly gullible. How could he not have seen it? Sixteen years of false memories and not once did he question it, not even when Sora's memories began to trickle into him. It was odd, to say the least, but he never figured that it could have anything to do with what he thought was a normal life.

Toward the end, they had planned a beach trip. Hayner had wanted to go so badly, saying they hadn't been the entire vacation. Roxas didn't even realize it then, but he had no memories of going to the beach with them ever. When he tried to conjure any memories of a beach, he would see a strange island he had never been to. It was half covered with a huge fort and the birds didn't seem anything like the ones in Twilight Town. He shrugged it off then, figuring that it was a scene from a movie when he was little, not that he could recall any of those either.

He never thought about it much, but he couldn't seem to remember anything. There were always plenty of photos, but he could never recall the events of those days. He only assumed he forgot about the school report because he didn't want to do it, but he couldn't even bring to mind the name of his school. Even his mother, he couldn't remember his own mother's name!

It wasn't just the Alzheimer-like memory, either. There were a few instances where his memory seemed to substitute things that didn't quite fit. He recalled one of those lazy days at the usual spot. He had been laying down on the couch, staring into nothing, when the conversation suddenly turned to everyone's crush. Hayner had been talking to Olette when Pence caught the blush on his face. Pence called him out on it, but he wasn't going down alone.

_"Well Roxas likes someone, too!" he blurted out. Said teen heard his name and jumped in surprise. He looked over to Hayner who was pointing defiantly at the startled blond as if he were a criminal._

_"What?" he asked, unsure if he were hearing the situation correctly._

_"You know who I'm talking about." He grinned at his friend suggestively, meaning that he wasn't going to let Roxas slip out and pull attention back to his own crush. "She sits in front of you in class, pretty brown hair, nurse's assistant - ringing any bells?"_

_For a moment, an image of a teenage girl formed itself inside Roxas's mind. She had turned around in her chair and was staring at him with deep chocolate eyes, waiting for his response._

_"A girl?" he asked dumbly, "In our class?" Hayner raised an eyebrow at him, telling him to cut the stupid act. "Do you mean -" _

_He knew her name. He could see the pretty brunette with long lashes as she smiled at him. He tried to recall any romantic feelings towards the face, towards the person, but she felt out of place. He closed his eyes and tried to tap into that feeling, the feeling of a crush when something odd happened. The brunette in his mind was replaced with another girl. She was tall and thin, almost cat like, with aqua marine eyes to match this description. She had a punk style about her, with triangle tattoos beneath her eyes and spiky crimson hair cascading down her back. She held a mischievous smirk, but there was something reassuring about it._

_"Do you mean Lea?" he finally answered with a small smile._

_"What, who?" Pence asked, revealing that he wasn't as absorbed with his book as he lead them to believe._

_"Lea, yeah, I like her, so what?" Roxas didn't see the huge deal. He did like her, or he thought he did, and he didn't see much point in hiding it. She was too nice to make fun of him for it._

_"I was talking about Garnet," Hayner asserted. "Who's Lea?"_

_"Yeah, I know Garnet; Zidane likes her." The image of the girl appeared in his mind again, but he still couldn't conjure any feelings, or even conversations with her._

_"Zidane Tribal and Garnet Alexandros?" Olette asked in disbelief. "Since when?"_

_"I don't know," he admitted, "they just seem close. I mean, he turned down the lead in Romeo in Juliet when she didn't get cast as Juliet."_

_"It doesn't matter! Fight for your girl. Roxas!" The boy raised his fist in the air in a triumphant pose, earning a smack in the back of the head from Olette._

_"But she's not my girl. I like Lea. We eat ice-cream on the clock tower." Images of the fiery setting sun illuminating crimson hair was burned into his retinas, and he smiled at the memory. Lea made him feel warm like the sun. That's why he liked her._

_"WoahwoahwoahWOAH!" Hayner exclaimed, his face registering shock as he stumbled backwards a few paces almost as if Roxas had punched him. "What the hell, man! You're taking random chicks to our spot? That's just not cool, dude."_

_"You and Olette go there by yourselves when no one else is around," Roxas pointed out, eyes pouting and voice faintly accusing. Both teens in question blushed, but Hayner was the one rash enough ro argue back and grabbed his friend in a choke hold._

_"Th-that's different," he stammered. Then his voice lowered accusingly, "How do you know that anyways, creeper?"_

_"I like to look out my window when I'm bored. It's not hard to miss your nest of hair when I'm checking the time," Roxas growled before he pulled out of Hayner's grasp, shoving him aside and falling back onto the sofa. _

_The entire situation had soured his mood and he stood up with a sigh. He grabbed his things and left with a grumbled explanation of missing dinner. His friends and his own mind were trying to tell him things he knew weren't true. Yeah, Garnet was cute, but she didn't make him smile like Lea did._

_As he walked home, he absently thought about calling Lea up and hanging out with her. It felt like ages since they last hung out. A smile made its way to his lips as he thought about the girl. He really did miss her; but as he arrived home, he had to wonder what ever happened to her. It was like she just vanished._

She didn't vanish, he told himself; he left. He left the only person who cared about him, and thanks to everyone else's damned meddling, he couldn't even find his own answers. He had been sick and tired of everyone controlling him and hiding things about his past; it was infuriating. So he left to find his own answers, to take control of his own 'non-existence'. He made himself leave behind his only connection, irritated with the man or not.

He laughed, a sardonic mimicry of a laugh. Everything was so fucking ironic. Leaving didn't change anything. He became more entangled in the wills of others than before, becoming a true puppet for another man who hid his face from the world. His friends were still heartless 'non-existent' beings, but at least the Nobodies had been real. He still had sea-salt ice-cream. He still didn't know who he was.

Did it ever matter? Did he really need to know that he was just some incomplete half? Did he need to truly know what it felt like to be gone, to not matter, to be nobody?

Naminé appeared to him the other day when Sora and Kairi's hearts were synced. She could do that when she felt the need, though lately she's been avoiding his sulky mood. He figured it was because she wasn't _really_ a Nobody. She was made from a Princess' heart and a Keybearer's body, almost like an odd love-child. Roxas once pointed this out to Sora, sending the brunette's heart into a panicked frenzy. Roxas had laughed back then. Now he was too tired to laugh.

She wanted to know what was wrong, why he had been so snarky and cynical. It worried her. She promised she wouldn't tell Sora; both knew how nosy the boy could get when worried.

"It doesn't matter, he probably feels it already. We're the same heart, remember?" he snipped. Then his voice took on a sarcastic rage,"Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I meant to say that I _am_ him. I don't have my _own_ heart, right? _I_ don't technically even exist. It's just _Sora_."

Naminé stood quite for a moment and the boy forced a muttered apology. He didn't care much whether she left or not, but he knew it wasn't right to relieve his frustrations on her. She didn't speak for a while and his blue eyes snapped up from the stained glass to look at her, her small form radiating a slight glow.

"So that's what this is," she mused, "well, part of it, at least."

Roxas shot her an annoyed look, demanding she explain. She smiled and wrapped her arms around the upset boy, slightly illuminating the darkened station he occupied in Sora's heart. It had been brighter, but lately he noticed it fading; he dismissed it, knowing it reflected himself and his depression. Though, as the girl hugged him, he felt slightly better. It was nice to have a bit of comfort.

"Roxas, you may have not noticed, but I don't think Sora's noticed yet. He doesn't even dwell here in your station. Roxas, you _are_ your own person." This startled the boy and he leaned out of the hug to look at her, a serious question in his crystal blue eyes.

"What?"

She averted her gaze and continued, "Well, you once were a different person, I can feel it. But I think a lot of bad things happened to his heart. Sora and him became connected somehow. When you and I were born, when Sora released his and Kairi's heart, I think that instead of leaving an empty shell of his heart, Sora's heart left his body and the other boy's heart." She stopped, not sure of whether she should have shared her theory or not.

Roxas's face was blank, his mind concentrating on processing everything. It was like the pieces of a scattered puzzle were all clicking together. It explained why he could still mimic emotions in the Organization without Sora's memories. Thinking on Naminé's words, he realized that he and Sora really weren't as connected as they should be for having the same heart. If what she said were true . . . then he really was his own person.

He felt a pang of guilt. He still had the chance to go on, to be complete. He recalled the red-head as the pyro faded away. His eyes watered and a single tear rolled down his cheek. He missed Axel. He wanted him back, heartless or not. They were best friends, right? Still, Roxas didn't feel as completely robbed as he had earlier. If he was his own person, his own heart, he had the right to his own friends.

Naminé smiled as the station's glow seemed grow brighter and boy's face softened. She reached forward to wipe away the tear, deciding she could add on the last tip of her theory and observations without causing any negative effects.

"You were someone else, but his heart, well your heart has gone through so much, I don't think it's the same . . . or can ever be the same. The boy's gone now, but not entirely. He's been reborn as you."

For some reason the word 'reborn' stood out to him and he asked about it. The artist's eyes softened before she put a finger to her lips, indicating that she wouldn't say. He didn't mind, though. Naminé always seemed to know more things than others. She would know when it was right to tell. She was special like that.

"Thanks, Naminé." He smiled, something he hadn't done in months.

"Hey, Roxas." The boy nodded for her to go on. She started more reluctantly than earlier, unable to look him in the eyes. "You may still be tied to Sora's heart, but I don't think that's permanent. That said . . . I found this in Castle Oblivion." She opened her sketchpad at her side and pulled out a folded piece of paper, handing it to him carefully.

"You won't remember, but you'll understand what it means."

He unfolded the old paper with careful fingers. It was pretty stationary that had been torn from something bound, with faint lines for writing. Written in the center in slanted, black print was a short letter:

What happens when Nothing is destroyed?

How does it help mend a broken toy?

Think in terms of white and black.

Only you can bring nothing back.

~Number Nothing

Roxas looked up in confusion to find himself alone, but he could feel Naminé's knowing eyes watching him. A thought occurred, and he realized what this might be about. An image of the red-headed man appeared in his mind again.

He stood with determination and opened the door that appeared in front of him to find himself in Sora's station. The boy was dreaming, warping the platform to his subconscious's will, but Roxas found the brunette building a sandcastle on the beach. As the blond approached, Sora noticed him and looked up with a smile.

"Haven't seen you in a while. What's up? Wanna help?"

Roxas shook his head, earning a confused look on the livelier of the two. He stumbled upwards has the blonder pulled him to a stand.

"What is it?"

"Get Highwind ready and pack. We're leaving tomorrow. Grab Kairi and Riku if you want. It's going to be a long trip."

The Keybearer was going to ask what this was all about, but upon seeing the determined look on his other's face, he nodded in agreement.

"Right. . . . So going to help me with this castle?" The blond shook his head in disbelief before sitting down on the sandy beach to help.

He was finally going to make things right.

**Yeah, that's right. I did the forbidden. I put SoraKairi in a prologue for an AkuRoku story. *grins* Flamers can kiss my keyblade.**

**Anywho, sorry if it changed mood too suddenly. I started this two months ago, stopped, and randomly picked it up. It was originally going to be a bit darker than this, but as I wanted it to open my next fic properly, I needed a few explanations already set. I'm sure everyone has already conjured the idea, but I needed to restate it to implement the emotional impact it has. It's also a huge plot point in ****Diary of Number 0****.**

**Sorry I technically killed Ventus, but oh well. Square killed Axel, Demyx, Zexion and the rest of the epic Organization . . . They also put Terra through semi-death/hell. Besides, Ventus was reborn as the truly epic Roxas.**

**Reviews? I don't care so much for this one as it was semi-boredom. I would prefer reviews on the emotional insight rather than** **Naminé's th****eories. That's what this was originally for. **

**~Mushraluvr**


End file.
